The Rules of Adoption

It all started back at the Bash. Faux Football Fan (FFF) accosted me as soon as I walked into the room.

FFF: "Hey CK. I just learned a new burn for Eagles fans."
CK: "What's that?"
FFF: "How many Super Bowl rings does your team have?"
CK: (rolls eyes)
FFF: "BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRN."

For those of you who have never met FFF, let me give you a little bit of background.

FFF was born and raised in a state that claims host to three NFL teams (although two of those teams play in New Jersey). FFF is currently a resident of that state.

Last year at about this time (it may have been after Week 5, but close enough), FFF declared allegiance to an NFL team. Based on my knowledge, this is the first time that FFF became a fan of any NFL team.

Now, this particular team just so happened to have won Super Bowls XXXVI, XXXVIII and XXXIX. (For those of you who don't read Roman, that's Super Bowls 36, 38 and 39). So we're talking recent history.

Said team had a model-esque QB at the helm, which was a key element of FFF's interest in that team. Some people, including FFF, think that this QB is marriage material. (Aforementioned QB does not feel the same way toward FFF.) I, on the other hand, don't find him to be all that attractive. Then again, I've always been anti-butt chin.

In an attempt to display FFF's loyalty to this new team, FFF acquired an NFL jersey featuring the name of Mr. Model QB. FFF started to watch that team's games while wearing this newly-acquired apparel. Friends of FFF were amused at first. It was like watching a child walk for the first time. FFF didn't quite understand what was going on during the games, but FFF had a determined look. FFF was going to become a football fan.

But here's the problem. FFF hasn't yet become a REAL football fan. This is not to say that FFF will never become a REAL football fan. Only time will tell.

Until such time as FFF becomes a REAL football fan, everything that happened BEFORE such time cannot exist for FFF. You want to start with a clean slate, then that means you get a clean slate. This means no gloating about rings, records, etc. that happened before fan status is achieved.

So how does one become a REAL football fan?

Well, the easiest way is to have been raised as a fan of that team. But we know this can't be the case with FFF.

So let's look at adopted team status the same way that people look at adopted person status. That's right. I JUST WENT THERE.

Agencies just don't give babies away. The hopeful parents have to go through several screening interviews, home studies, etc. Their lives are poked and prodded to make sure that they will be suitable parents. If FFF is really serious about becoming a fan of an adopted team, then FFF should have to qualify as such.

1. If you haven't made it through a full season as a fan of your adopted team, then you are not a REAL football fan.

2. If you don't understand the game, then you can't be a REAL football fan. We're not talking about being able to break down the Tampa 2 defense. Just the basics. Like the names of the positions and whether or not they are offensive or defensive positions. Or whether a false start penalty is 5 yards or 10 yards.

3. If you can't name the key personnel of your team, then you are not a REAL football fan. If you only know the name of one player, then you are a fan of that player, not the whole team. (So that means that if your player gets knocked out during Week 1 with a season-ending injury, you have NO football team to root for.)

4. If you don't understand some of the key points in your team's history, then you are not a REAL football fan. You can't claim your team's history, yet know absolutely nothing about it.

So I am issuing a challenge to FFF. If you want to be considered a REAL football fan, then you should be required to meet all four of the aforementioned requirements.

Item #1 is simple enough. You just have to prove that you remained a fan through this entire season. (And yes, I know that you probably didn't watch the end of yesterday's game . . . but we'll let that pass.)

As for the rest of the items, I challenge you to take a written test during the December blogger gathering. The test will be administered that Sunday, during halftime of the first set of games. The test will contain 25 questions and will be pulled together by the REAL Football Fan Committee - an *official* committee of poker blogging football fans. If you do not answer at least 20 of the 25 questions correctly, your petition for REAL fan status will be denied until the next testing year. If you pass the written portion of the exam, then all you need to do is keep on keepin' on as a fan of your adopted team.

If FFF passes the written examination and meets the full season eligibility requirement, I will purchase for her the team apparel item of her choice (maximum value US$100).

So, FFF . . . are you in, or are you out?

(I will be accepting nominations for the REAL Football Fan Committee via comments. Committee members must be present at the December blogger gathering.)